Recently, more like yesterday, my band had an acoustic session that had been planned for. I called them up to push forward the meeting time from 3 to 2.30pm and got a few mixed responses.
Anyway, I remembered the moment when Ariff gave me a call at about 2.40 and when he asked where I was, I was like 'oh shit' cos I was still at home with a friend which caused me to to be late...I lied to him that I was at the busstop on my way there.
Next when I was already at the meeting place, I saw Farhan Tre. He greeted me so warmly like he has always did and I remembered in my mind I was thinking 'What the fuck am I doing here?' I'll tell you why I am thinking that way a little bit later...
Anyway a few moments later we met up with Ariff and I could sense from his facial expressions that he was feeling 'angry but was not showing it'...cos it was already 3 when I met him!
When I arrived, I just felt like 'not myself once again'...picked up Ariff's guitar
and played on it till I guess he was pissed cos I wasn't even interested in talking to anybody.
Waited for our other 2 members to arrive and then 'we' officially started our acoustic...I said 'we' because I knew that I wasn't even interested in participating at that moment.
I also wanted to go off early from acoustic because 'I needed to go to Geylang to buy Hari Raya stuff'...when I was actually going off to meet a someone.
A someone that I haven't told anybody about...it's like a secret person only I know about, I shan't reveal the identity becos...
'Someone' and me has been meeting up pretty often for the past 2 weeks and doing things I strongly agree we shouldn't have done at all.
Heck not even any of my best friends know about 'someone'. I feel like I haven't been true to myself and everyone anymore...because this is not what I want....I feel the small gap between me and my best friends getting even larger. Just hope that the gap disappears soon and things would be the way it was a few months back.
Usually I feel that I'm strong enough to say 'NO' to a puff but lately things have been different. It's not that I'm 'coward, a gay' or something. It's just that my principle has been pretty fucked up lately, and that's just not me...
Returning home only after 12 almost everyday, it feels so different right now and it's not the life I want...I don't feel me anymore.
I've had a strong urge to read Tre's previous posts like from 9, 10, 11, 12 months ago...and I realized that my name used to be mentioned like 'most of the time' yet lately I have been treating him like I don't even know him. And just now when I read his post on the 22nd of January 2007, I suddenly remembered how things were. It read about how he was the happiest man on the top of the world when he met Sabariah and they were officially couples on the 10th January 2007.
I remembered how he wanted me to advice him on whether he should or should not ask Sabariah to be his gf like 10 months ago...
Well coincidentally today's the 10th October 2007, and it's been 9 months since Farhan and Sabariah went steady. HAPPY 9 MONTHS ANNIVERSARY U GUYS!:)
I know that things might not be the same with you guys as it was before but as your best friend, I'll give you another piece of advice, 'Fix the things that have been going wrong and ask yourself what you really want'.
I wanna go out like how the 3 of us used to a few months back and feel jealous when I see how strong and happy you guys were. It would be 4 people if Ariff occasionally joins us.
Anyway, my advice has always been on the neutral so it's really up to you what you would like to do. For better or for worse, I just hope that you did it for the right reason.
Right now I'm listening to 'Hotel California' acoustic version from Ariff's blog, and other slow songs on my playlist and it just makes me feel more guilty than ever.
I'm sorry that I have been lying and 'acting like somebody else' lately.
You'd believe I have been a true asshole if you knew exactly the things I have been up to lately.
I'm also sorry to Ariff for all the bad parts of me you had to see.
My biggest apology is definitely going to Tre for all the things we have been going through...I know I might not be the best friend right now or ever, but I want you to know that the smallest things you do for me just touches my heart. One example of the smallest things is when he types my name in his blog post, it's Ashraf and not ashraf...see that capital 'A'?
Right now I've been advised by my brain to fix myself instead of blabbering on pretending to be Mr Correct.
I'm just so disappointed in myself right now...I don't think I even deserve to be in the band anymore...I feel like I should either rightfully leave or get booted out for my assholishness. Whatever it is...Im looking back right now with a smile but when I turn to the front, I see 2 paths, 'the get back to who you are' and the path of uncertainty a.k.a Take A Risk path.
The phrase 'Be Different' isn't really working out for me right now...
I think I need a huge break from my past and current life right now...I realized I dont want it all anymore...
Currently I do have a few good things in my life right now but I do not want them to be just temporary. I know the only way to solve this is to take a step back from all of this and picture how lucky I actually am.
Fuck it hurts when I realized I've been doing the wrong things I shouldn't have done to someone if they ever found out.
I just hope I'm not drifting to nowhere-ness and end up getting lost.
Soneone's got his priorities fucked up!
Labels: I'm Really Sorry Now.
posted by Ashraf @ 1:34 AM
<< Home